{forget & just run}

This was a journal entry from May 2010. 

Those were some hard days. 

 I was needing a reminder .. And I got one. 

This is what I wrote on a ragged, crinkled, piece of scratch paper.

Legible only to the author.

Today I was defeated.

DEFEATED

It was ugly, uncomfortable and disappointing.

So 

I sobbed and then I ran

and I ran some more

and then I ran some more

With each beat to my ipod I could hear my thoughts

I'm much to hard on myself .. I need to stop

As I tried to sort out the harsh criticism 

from Chris Brown's lyrics I began to realize my face was wet

How?

I never run so intense .. so hard .. the sweat?

I try so hard not to cry

Why am I crying? .. the tears?

These drips feel so refreshing .. the rain?

I could feel my feet slap the pavement in sync to the beat pounding in my ears. 

Where am I headed?

I need to go back

Just 5 more minutes to think relax 

I knew right where I wanted to go

Peace 

Peace and Quiet

Peace and quiet from the thoughts 

.

I so RELENTLESSLY fill my mind 

with CONSTANTLY

Will I ever feel like I know what I'm doing?

What to do?

Will she ever just be able to enjoy?

Will she know she's different?

Will she be treated differently?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I kicked the fence.

In broad daylight

With people in sight

I kicked the fence

.. a few more times

While heaving sobs

I wiped my sweaty .. teary .. rainy face 

Turned around

Tried to regain what little composure I had left

and sprinted home.

I Was Greeted By My Smiling Porcelain Doll Face Beauty waiting for me on the front porch

I'm HAPPY

So DELIGHTFULLY happy.

Sometimes I just need to forget 

Forget about whats going on physically .. emotionally .. developmentally 

FORGET AND JUST RUN.